maybe heaven was never meant for me. maybe the destination i'm heading towards is really the wrong one. maybe my life was the way it was because it was never meant to be.

i never knew how much that affected me. never fathomed how much i'd lost.

why is it so difficult for me to just live with it. was i that broken that the pieces can no longer fit together like they should? am i so screwed up that no matter what i do, i'll never find what i'm looking for? and even if i did, have i lost so much that i can't keep what i've found?

i'm crying as i'm typing this. it hurts so much. to know that all that i've lost could cause me to lose even more.

damn it. i fucking hate this.

i am so tired.

~2:32 am